waiting

Once upon a time I attempted to bake bread ~ crescent rolls, actually. I meticulously followed the recipe, unlike my maternal grandmother ~ an instinctively gifted baker, but the perfectly golden rolls that emerged from the oven were inedible. I'd adhered to the prescribed times for the yeast to do its work and the dough to rise, but evidently it wasn't long enough. What I was left with were rock-hard, empty shells.

Forgive me if you've heard the story, but it seems to be a recurring theme in my life.

Today I listened to Kim Rosen, featured guest on New Dimensions, a Sunday morning staple with my tea. Kim, "poet, spoken word artist," discussed her new book, Saved by a Poem, an exploration of ~ and testament to ~ the power of the written and spoken word. She shared her story of losing everything in the Bernard Madoff scheme and the timely discovery of Kindness, a poem by Naomi Shihab Nye. That poet's words resonated with Rosen, shifting her perspective and experience of all that followed.

Typically I have pen and paper handy ready to capture whatever resonates with me as well. Today's list includes: Kindness (Naomi Shihab Nye), alchemy, breath, rhythm, embodiment, poetry as ancient form of prayer, Emily Dickinson's Nobody, the "marriage of inner and outer,"Against Certainty (Jane Hirshfield) ...

In them I hear echoes of my journey away from the corporate world nearly two decades ago: letting go, a leap of faith, willingness to risk losing everything to be true to what I knew was right for me. In them I hear elements of the life I've felt compelled to live since. However, I've been experiencing a familiar reluctance during the past year or so. Still drawn to what called me to my work, it's the how that confounds me now.

I consider "can do versus want to" ~ a basic tenet of motivation from my corporate incarnation ~ when contemplating my own moves and opportunities. Just because I can and have done something doesn't mean that I want to repeat or continue it. There's a flashing yellow light at the intersection of opportunity and motivation that warns us to slow down, to proceed with caution.

A few weeks ago I was taken with a New Dimensions interview with Anne D. LeClaire, author of "Listening Below the Noise, A Meditation on the Practice of Silence." Last week it was using feng shui principles to create a room that soothes and inspires. Today it was Kim Rosen and the power of words. Silence, substance and self-expression.

Perhaps what I've been calling reluctance is waiting.

Waiting requires willingness and patience, but more aware of the inner workings, I trust them. To rush runs the risk that what seems perfect is hollow.

My word for today: Education