the last word

There's a book that has survived my serial purges.

"The Verbally Abusive Relationship, How to Recognize It and How to Respond" (Patricia M. Evans) helped me nearly a decade ago as I tried to comprehend a relationship that had ended tragically a few years prior. Since then I can't say how many times I've recommended it to others and tonight I realized that I'd told two women, as it happens, in the past week about it.

One of them just e-mailed me to say that she'd found it at Barnes & Noble, and another by Evans, "Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand and Deal with People Who Try to Control You". I welcome this recent title because it's more mainstream and perhaps not so intimidating to someone who really needs the information between those covers. "Abuse" can be such a loaded word, with good reason, and often never enters the mind or vocabulary -- let alone crosses the lips -- of someone who's being manipulated by another. Speaking of which, Evans has also written for adolescents -- "Teen Torment: Overcoming Verbal Abuse at Home and at School."

Thinking about this caused me to revisit the one time that I'd felt (overtly) accosted by someone with whom I worked. We were on the phone and had we been face-to-face I can't imagine what might have ensued. As it was I was caught flat-footed and speechless by this executive's rage and obviously never forgot it. I didn't have the tools then that I have now nor adequate language to describe his unwarranted, over-the-top behavior.

I felt compelled to come here tonight almost as a public service. Perhaps you or someone you know is in a volatile personal or work situation. Sadly this behavior is often misunderstood, excused and tolerated in families, work settings and in public, allowed to continue if only by witnesses' own discomfort, fear, or stunned silence in the face of it. It becomes even more complicated if the perpetrator is someone in power, and it takes a toll on everyone.

I'm not recommending that we put ourselves in harm's way, but knowledge is power so I'm suggesting Patricia Evans' books for starters. I can only attest to her first from my own experience, but hope that anyone who needs this information will find it. Regardless of what you call it, if what she says rings true...

Meanwhile, if you are in danger, call 911. For more information, contact 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) or visit the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence web site.