and now

There is a difference between grief and mourning. The former is socially sanctioned by funeral leave policies and such, but the latter picks up after that and carries on.

For me the initial shock and pain morphed into all of the activities that accompany the first days and weeks of loss. Nothing new there: I'm my mother's daughter and know how to cope. So I coped.

Now I'm back and nothing is standing between me and my pain. Today as I packed a lunch, I noticed that things were going on as usual and just as quickly I also noted that nothing would ever be the same. Even as I type these words ten hours later, my heart aches.

I've decided to take it easy this week; I won't push through. There will be time for everything beginning next week. I guess I'm still morphing and that demands my care and attention right now.